About me- Written as a Manifesto
Intro
I have found only increasingly in recent times that my identity and my ideals are one and the same, as I see only more often attacks against individuals and groups I identify with as though our identities were nothing more than ideals.
As such, writing about myself here is something that I see also as an opportunity to share my experiences, thoughts and knowledge. I will likely eventually seperate this into seperate pages for personal introduction and manifesto but for now this is a good excuse to finish a draft I wrote the other day.
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Queer Identity
My identity as a queer person is perhaps the most important part of my day to day life, as it is what most regularly brings me both the greatest joys and discomforts alike. My identity is constantly evolving, and has grown considerably over time as I better understand myself.
Because of this I enjoy using ‘queer’ as a catch-all term for myself. Other terms I identify with include transmasculine as well as the broader trans label, nonbinary, bisexual (including most terms under the bi umbrella such as abrosexual), aromantic, and in the general sense of the term, gay. It so follows I have started to prefer the term queer, though this is not without acknowledgement of its history. I am, on principle, uncomfortable reclaiming a slur that has been used only against my community and against myself personally. Though I can feel the hurt behind it, it is only through the nebulous haze of lives parallel to my own.
My stronger feeling on this topic, however, is that such a broad and simple term as queer is imperative for the LGBTQIA+ community to adopt. The acronym only continues to grow beyond what is practical to use- with the inclusion of the ‘+’ on the end serving only to further isolate any identity not deemed important enough to happen to be ordained with a letter in common usage, among other issues. As such, a wide umbrella term such as queer serves to bring together a too often divided community.
As may have been stated earlier, and may be unnecessary to state at this point (but I will do so clearly here regardless) I fully support all who are within the queer / LGBTQIA+ community. This is especially inclusive of my fellow trans and nonbinary siblings, especially true of the people of colour who face disproportionate discrimination and violence, explicitly inclusive of aromantic and asexual -spectrum identities who are too often overlooked, as well as any and all intersex individuals who identify with our community- I believe the fight for trans rights is directly parallel to rights for intersex children and adults.
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Neurodivergent Identity
Alongside my identity as a queer person, my identity as a neurodiverse individual is perhaps as vital to my daily life as it effects my mind, body- especially my nervous system (though it could be said all of my systems are nervous) and indeed soul.
On identification
I feel the need to begin this section with the clarification that while I support strongly researched self-diagnosis, I myself have found my identity though many years of therapy alongside even more years of soul searching, as well as through a clinical diagnosis of ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). I believe that many of you reading this (I hope there will be more than a single reader who has gotten this far) will take the latter as the most important of that information, and while autistic is a label I hold strongly and proudly, this is not because of my clinical diagnosis but alongside it. I am greatly privileged to have had these fortunes, and I could not be here today without such support. It is thus my responsibility to use my position to educate those within my community as well as those without it of the issues we collectively face, and ways to move forward.I propose that any label, including medical diagnosis, to only be as useful so far as it is used. That is to say, such terms should be used as a means to express your experiences to others, be that in a medical or professional setting, or to loved ones or even strangers online. Thus I do not hold that any individual requires a medical diagnosis in order to identify with such clinical language as ASD (unless currently accessing imposed systems which require such documentation- noting that such systems should not go without critique). Importance should instead be placed not on diagnosis but on an individuals knowledge of themself, knowledge of others who use the label (as relating to others experiences is to be the primary goal of such categorising labels), as well as scientific and medical knowledge acquired by speaking with a medical professional (which stands seperate to a diagnosis) or by independent and robust research- ideally some combination of the two.
This model of identification is not only more accessible to those without the ability or finances to access professional support or diagnosis yet nonetheless desire to further their understanding of self, it is also a model which prioritises the individuals’ experiences, as I propose the use of all labels should do. This ideal thus extends beyond the topical of neurodiversity, which I may explore further at a later date.
Monotropism
As previously stated, I am an autistic person. My body and brain function different on a neurological level and this impacts every second of my existence. I have recently learnt of the monotropic theory of autism, which I believe best describes my experiences.Monotropism is defined as a tendency to focus on a small number of interests at a time, and may be extrapolated to explain nearly every autistic trait. To use a borrowed metaphor polytropic (here, neurotypical) individuals see the world under a broad ceiling light that illuminates many things simultaneously, while monotropic (here, autistic) individuals view the world with a spotlight or torch, focusing in more detail in a narrower range.
As stated, this theory explains all manner of autistic behaviour. Stimming may be described as a focus on a single action, sense, object or the like- repeating an action to the end of self-soothing. Special interests are an intense focus on specific subjects over a long span of time, and similarly hyperfocus (though a trait more often associated with ADHD) is an intense focus on a single task usually for a span of hours.
On Aromanticism within ASD
The theory of mono tropism can also be extended to less commonly discussed experiences (at least to my ear) such as gaining an intense focus on a single person. Personally this caused many years of confusion about my sexuality (not for mistake of being bisexual, that extrapolation was certainly correct) as I had intense ‘crushes’ on people who were familiar to me (usually directed toward friends I wished to know better). I now recognise these feelings not to be romantic in nature, but cannot be described as platonic either, and I chose not to even identify them as straight. It is here my autistic and queer identities entirely overlap, as I describe this feeling as alterous attraction- something independent of the strict, heteronormative familial/platonic/romantic/sexual model of emotion.It is here I begin to feel the need to defend my identity from invisible attacks- surely it would be simpler to define this emotion as romantic and put the whole thing to bed? Why complicate things when my alterous feelings are most often found alongside a desire for a close relationship? My strongest retort (to what I am self aware is but a paranoia of invalidity in my aromantic identity) is that by necessity the overlap of my autistic identity and my queer identity, my experience of romantic feelings (should these emotions be defined as such) is abnormal by heterosexual- or specifically heteromantic- standards. My experiences cannot be alloromantic because the standard of alloromantic identity has no room for autistic hyperfocus toward individuals- the building blocks of my experience of ‘romance’. And so I fall on a tautology, my identity is valid because I identify with it. Even so, I feel this experience rings true with others (perhaps at least one person in the world who this manifesto reaches) and so it is valid within our shared experiences.
Following this, I hope that sharing some of my experiences with different autistic traits here will be valuable to other autistic people, or educational to others still.
On PDA (not public displays of affection)
Pervasive Drive for Autonomy (also known as Pathological Demand Avoidance) is a profile of autism defined by anxiety caused by demands in any form purely stemming from the fact that they are demanding. In my experience this effects my ability to study, maintain personal hygiene and even attend to hobbies regularly. It’s best combatted in my experience by leaning into novelty, curiosity and special interests. I’ve found strategies such as making flexible, unordered to-do lists instead of strict hourly schedules useful, but overall I’m still figuring out how PDA effects my life. The most obvious manifestation is its overlap with perfectionism, a similarly paralysing force that attempts to drive me to do things entirely outside of my own goals. Overall though I am still new to the idea of this subcategory of autism and figuring out how it impacts my life.Just today I realised that my brain recognises most compliments as demands, and so dismisses them where they are expected to be appreciated. This is because compliments on things I see as behaviours (for example, on my artwork) are interpreted automatically as an expectation- a demand- to continue to produce art of similar quality. Thus I find compliments of my inherent traits (eg being empathetic) much easier to digest. This of course could be worked on by separating my anxieties (I need to continue to do well at what I’m praised for or it will be worthless) from what is actually being communicated (a genuine compliment).
I believe the paralysing sensation I experience when I run headfirst into a demand is related to- or at least something I have been miscategorizing as- executive dysfunction. Regardless there seems to be a large gap between what goals I cognisantly set for myself and my ability to follow the plans I make.
On Sensory Processing
One of the most pervasive symptoms of ASD I experience is sensory processing disorder- especially of touch, smell and sound. Most frequently I am overwhelmed by unfamiliar strong scents, such as candles being lit without my knowing or a stranger’s perfume.But my sensitivity is not necessarily negative. My sensitivity to touch is not purely negative. It has a profoundly negative impact on my eating as the sensory experience of chewing and swallowing food is a living hell. It also stops me from using toothpaste (my dentist has approved this decision, don’t worry), or even being in the same room as others brushing their teeth. But the positives are equally important to me. From a young age my favourite stim has been petting soft things, fulling a lifelong adoration of animals, stuffed toys and making my bed always filled with more pillows and blankets than there is room for myself.
I find sounds most overwhelming when in combination with other stimuli- for example flashing lights at a concert alone would be hard for me to cope with, but in combination with the overwhelmingly loud noise and crushing crowds, it’s one of the best places to take me if you want an instant meltdown.
On broader neurodiversity
Until this point I have spoken only explicitly of autism. My experiences within neurodiversity, and more broadly, my experiences as a disabled person, reach beyond the autism spectrum, however. Firstly, my experiences with social anxiety run parallel to my autism, and perhaps beyond it alongside the inherent stress and trauma of living as a marginalised person in today’s society. Even as I write this my hands shake out of fear of some pervasive, invisible, endlessly hateful force that threatens my life much like the predators that stalked my distant ancestors. As my therapist once remarked, if we were back in the times of cavemen, I would be one who saw the tiger coming and escaped being eaten. But now my mind cannot find a tiger to flee, fight, fawn to or freeze before, and instead reacts with the same responses to common stimuli such as the potential for social rejection- even if, in reality, I just need to make a phone call.My neurodiversity also expands beyond these terms in ways I am not yet in a place where I am comfortable sharing publicly, even anonymously. I look forward to the day I feel confident in sharing these experiences, but for now understand that I use the broader term to refer to such private turmoils and joys outside of neurotypical life.
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Heritage
Before speaking on my own heritage, I feel it imperative to acknowledge the Indigenous peoples on whose land I live. For reasons of personal privacy I unfortunately cannot acknowledge which specific nations on which I have been born, and continue to live most every day of my life, and continue to live and learn under Euro-centric education systems to this day. Sovereignty was never ceded, and I pray to whatever gods may be that the currently (as of writing this) upcoming referendum offers a single step in a positive direction. I hope to, in near future, to learn more of and speak more about these peoples in effort of spreading awareness of their issues and proposed visions of a just and equitable future for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples everywhere.
My own heritage is from vastly different places, but ones I have never know. My background spans Ireland, Armenia and briefly Egypt. As such there are two different genocides within my family history- The Irish Potato Famine at the hands of Great Britain, and the Armenian Genocide at the hands of the Ottoman Empire, modern day Turkey. I live today as a privileged white Australian, who feels only the echos of these traumas in my bone marrow, and see it in my immediate family.
I have never personally suffered from racism much less genocide, and so this history primarily serves me today to fuel my rage on behalf of and allyship for Indigenous families who suffer still today The Stolen Generations- an ongoing genocide committed by the Australian government using tactics of eugenics. Indigenous children are still separated from their families today at ridiculously disproportionate rates, and regulations supposed to prevent from the goverment’s previous mistakes by keeping them within their own community, or at least any Indigenous community, are not being respected as children are still fostered or adopted primarily to white families. This severs ties with these individuals heritage, usually leading to total loss of contact with their family and people. This is the the exact same method legislated in the 1900’s to the end of ‘breeding out’ Indigeneity in children deemed mixed-race, treated with all the respect of a genetic disease in a breed of dog. The estimated rates of children being removed from their families (as per the Bringing Them Home report) in the 1900’s-1970’s ranged between 1 in 3 to 1 in 10, with potentially hundreds of thousands of children being separated from their families, often violently, and sometimes from the moment of their birth.
Needless to say, this is a disgusting practice of pure racial discrimination, and the majority of the current Australian population are not educated on the fact that it continues today, even if under different legislation and now running only on remaining prejudices. This is the same method Kevin Rudd apologised for in 2008 at the recommendation of the 1997 Bringing Them Home report. Actions speak louder than words, however- in the words of a protest call and response chant, “What does sorry mean? / You don’t do it again”. The rate of removal of Indigenous children has only continued to increase since the apology. In 2007 only 9,054 children were reported to be living in out-of-home care, and according to The Family Matters report of 2020, 21,523 Indigenous children were in care at that time, or a rate of roughly 1 in 16 Indigenous children. With some quick maths that’s roughly a 37.7% increase in children removed from their families between 2007 and 2020, compared to a population increase of only 2.2 - 2.5% in Indigenous Australian population (according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics analysing data from 1991 to 2021). If there was no increase in children removed those numbers would be identical, and, in an ideal world, the percentage increase of children taken each year wouldn’t even be a positive integer. All those numbers are to say that unequivocally, this issue is going unaddressed to this day.
Though I have done my best to source the statistics here from reliable sources, many of them are taken directly from lectures I have attended, as with any digital resource I urge you to fact check the statements I have made here. I unfortunately don’t have anything more to add on this topic as of right now, other than an urging for you to research the issue yourself, reader. There are many documentaries available on free sites such as YouTube on this issue if you want the most easily digestible content -though it should be warned that footage of enforced child removal (as most are) are available online and are disturbing to see. Viewer discretion is, as always, advised.
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Art, Poetry, Passion
So what does it all mean? Where do these things lead, other than, evidently, toward this writing? It’s my hope that I may channel this experience and knowledge into my artistic practice- in work made for university or profit, in work made for personal projects and in my poetry and other writings like this one. How I may implement this is still something I am figuring out, but I will outline some ideas I have here.
The Sensory
In line with my sculptural practice (which by encompassing performative and other postmodern practices includes this very website) I have ideas for an immersive gallery installation that may- through visuals or text projected onto all walls of a dark room alongside encompassing audio- impose the experience of daily discomfort as caused by my sensory processing issues related to ASD as well as my gender dysphoria. Through stimuli not yet finalised I hope to force onto neurotypical and cisgender gallery-goers a sensation comparable to these discomforts I am all to familiar with, yet would be foreign to them, emphasising the fact that they may be able to leave that room, but the feelings that they held there (which are indeed my own sensations) will follow us both for the rest of our lives. My major roadblock to creating this project is that necessarily creating stimuli comparable to that which I find overwhelming will be overwhelming to produce. This project would thus be deeply uncomfortable for me to work on in every stage of its development, and though this panders to ideas of suffering being necessary for art, I am not a personal believer in this philosophy, and wonder if I might impose the very creation of uncomfortable stimuli somehow onto helpers or even the audience themself.The Aesthetic
This is not so much a realised artwork or art direction so much as a general desire to bring more fantasy into my artwork. Dragons should encompass every part of my practice because no one can stop me and they’re cool and I like them.The Autistic
Above all else- for the sake of my health, at this point- I must commit myself to being more genuine in my art. I want to use it to bond with others, to share my identity and find others who relate to me through their art. I need to engage more directly with the furry fandom. That is written as a non-sequitur but I am 100% serious, I genuinely believe this will be good for my health. So this is my first, maybe second step toward that end- the first being annoying my friends by saying every few months that this time I’m actually going to admit I’m a furry.But this drive is not simply an admiration for art and community or a desire for something obscene, it is something that speaks deeply to my being as an autistic person. As someone who has felt alien among neurotypical people throughout their life, not being able to communicate in the ways they do or understand their customs, it seems only natural I, like many others, find more to identify myself with in animals than humans. Though this is not a literal identification, it’s certainly true that I have been learning social behaviours from humans and animals alike from a very young age.
This is partly driven by my love for the sciences, I love to learn of biological processes, psychological phenomena and different means of communication. I studied body language signals in cats extensively, what each movement of the ears or tail means of a cat’s mood- to the extent I feel my emotions are often best expressed through a flick of the ears or drooping of the wings rather then any expression my human body can make- though I may try to translate it poorly into something people around me may interpret.
The metaphor never ceases to provide- most people can’t read my mood because the signals I’m sending are invisible to humans. I would wave to that person I just walked past but I moved my wings to do so instead of my hands and they couldn’t see it, silly me. I would be more affectionate toward my friends, but isn’t it awkward to wrap my lanky arms over their shoulders? If only I were small enough to be picked up and held like a puppy, with cute ears to scratch behind and soft fur to be pet.
If only I didn’t have to worry about things like finding a paying job that isn’t impeded by my disability or deducing what type of food my sensory issues will allow me to eat today and how I can trick myself into eating something more nourishing than half a box of shapes. If only someone else provided all the food, shelter and attention I could care for, maybe I would be giving up my independence, but how much of that can I really have in a capitalist society anyway?
At some point the point where the metaphor ends and my life begins blurs, and I’m ok with that. I’m glad for it even, it does little but bring me joy. The only negative I run into is other’s judgement, but you who got so far into my manifesto will not judge me, surely?
My hands shake. Surely?
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